Short Jokes

Funny short jokes

Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But fart just one time...

Old people poke me at weddings and tell me "your next"

So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

student: may i use the bathroom?

Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet.

Student: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz

Teacher: wheres the p?

Student: running down my leg.

i just got grounded heres hat happened me and my mom got into a fight and she said son of a b*tch and i said hell yeah i am kickass if you get it

I hate when people come to my house and say hey Dude! do you have a bathroom, NO, WE SHIT IN THE SINK

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A: A $100 bill.

 I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

 If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

Teacher: Name some countries?

Australian Kid: Australia..

Teacher: That is it?

Kid: Yes.

Teacher: Aren't Africa, UK, US, India, Singapore, Europe countries?

Kid: Nope, They are not country, they are Foreign countries.. 

Tell us the name of the woman who 100% knows where her husband is?

.....thinking...

Ans is: A widow woman

Dr: Your one kidney has failed..

Man: First cried a lot than stopped and asked.... failed.....from how many numbers???

What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?

You are just jealous of me. The reason being - I make your spouse scream louder than you!

 What do call cheese that isn't yours?

A Nacho Cheese

More

Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister?

Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!

“Mary, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?! exclaimed the angry mother.

“It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

“Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little Johnny.

“He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”

Mrs. Peterson went to the doctor: “I’m terribly worried about my boy. He thinks he’s a chicken.”

The doctor asked, “And how long has this been going on?”

“Almost a year,” Mrs. Peterson replied.

“Well for goodness sakes! Why didn’t you bring him to see me sooner?”

“Because we needed the eggs!”

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”

Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”

Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

A doctor says to his patient, “I have a bad news and a worse news”.

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”

Grandma and her little grandson were in the park picking up ripe walnuts on a beautiful fall day. “These are the kind of nuts your Daddy loves best,” she said.

The little boy replied, “Maybe he likes these things best but the nuts I like are doughnuts!”

“Did God make you, Papa?”

“Yep! He certainly did.”

“And did He make me too?”

“Of course, He did.”

“Well, He’s certainly doing better as He goes along, isn’t He?”

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